“Sometimes I look around and feel like I am living in 1592, that, this is what it must have been like.  I’m not here in the now, I am there, in the then.

St. Augustine Florida

Summer 2011

Historic St. Augustine, the oldest city in the US, founded in the late 1500s, three hundred years before we ever even became a country.  Therefore making  St. Augustine a Spanish City longer than it has been an American City.

A little history lesson, Columbus did not discover America.  Native American’s discovered a lost Columbus, or at best he rediscovered America, in fact he never stepped foot in continental North America. He was the first to tell everyone about his destination and not keep it a secret, like the Vikings, the Chinese, the Polynesians, the Irish, and the rest of the world who stumbled onto this land and left it as it was.  By telling every one of his adventures to the far East (not the West remember he did not know where he was) he opened the New Land for trade with the Old World.

Ponce de Leon spotted the coast of Florida in 1513 whereupon he named it La Flordia (land of flowers), this was a hundred years before the English settled in Jamestown VA. Not to be outdone the French beat everyone setting up a permanent settlement 1564. The French were the first non native Americans to successfully settle in the US.

The Spanish did not really take a liking to the French having settlements so close to their trade routes so in 1564 Menendez with about 600 sailors and soldiers beat the French out of La Flordia and started the settlement of St. Augustine La Flordia.  The oldest permanent settlement in the US.

Now 447 years later people are still drinking and partying like a bunch of ship-bound Spanish Sailors on leave at the Tavern in the Old City.    St. Augustine has done a remarkable job of preserving an old Spanish settlement within cannon-shot of the old fort.  They employe hundreds to act as period characters, acting out life in late 1500 AD St. Augustin, Joyce the barmaid was one such character, dressed in period costume, serving a variety of local  beers, chilled, to sooth the modern taste, along with a grog of wine and spirits.  Between servings she showed all how to play a variety of Old World bar games,  one being the forerunner to back gammon.

Throughout the evening, cast members would come and go, all in period dress to do repairs, to farm the garden in the back courtyard, to make brooms, repair and rebuild trying to make it as authentic as the history books and diaries told them what life was like in 1592.  The day-to-day goings on of a  Spanish settlement.

Joyce dressed in a flowing dress with a loose-fitting white blouse, with a concession to  comfort she was wearing leather shoes.

“Don’t you get hot?”

It was 101 degrees outside with high humidity, I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and I was sweaty HOT.  The tavern was not air condition and the only cool was an occasional breeze that blew through.

“No, I am wearing loose-fitting cotton cloths, just as the early settlers would have, it’s really comfortable.  Plus I am use to working in this so it doesn’t bother me that much.”

“Would you wanted to live in 1592 La Flordia?”

What makes you think I haven’t?”

“You don’t look that old.”

The bar was closing and I was just about ready to head out when a family came in that were friends of Joyce and her husband Tom .  At the moment the party began.  They invited me to join them in the courtyard for another beer.  As we all walked back Joyce’s husband, Tom,  a carpenter in the Old City, dressed in period clothing of baggy pants, a white cotton shirt with no buttons, tied in the front, came in and we were transported back to 1592. Without use of the “Wayback Machine”  thank you Sherman and Peabody (Sherman and Peabody were a boy and his dog feature on the Bullwinkle and Rocky cartoons of the late 60s, the wayback machine was a time machine that took the pair on their adventures).

Tom, Joyce’s husband and Joyce, a family that had known them in their earlier life circa 2011 and myself.  Sitting in the cool of the evening enjoying the breeze and a beer.

“Tom I asked Joyce if she ever thought that she was back in 1592?”

Without hesitation Tom answered,

“Everyday, especially in the morning, when it is quiet and no one but the characters are at work.  I walk to my job pass by the broom maker, the teacher, my tools in hand, seeing and feeling what it would have been like then.  I know I walk in the footsteps of half a millennium and I am lucky to be a part of it.  Yes I really feel like I am back there.  I am not modern day Tom but Fernando the carpenter.”

“You from Pennsylvania right, Dutch country”

“Not anymore I am from the New World.”

Talked continued on, mainly on the cast of characters the work daily in the historic section.  Their pride in keeping it as authentic as they can.  Using old nails and not replacing them.  Serving travelers as they would have over 400 years ago.

“How do you know what it was like, what do you base it on?”

“Augustine has been around continuously for over 400 years, day to day traditions carry on.  They had a school and was the main mission for Florida so there is a lot of documentation.  Plus you have this feeling that this is what it was like.  I know folks who parents were around when Flagger built his railroad into St. Augustine turning it into a tourist destination.  They tell stories like it was just yesterday.  So it is not hard to go back even four hundred years and imagine what the sights, sounds, even smells were part of the everyday.”

I sat and listen as they talked about how they ended up here their friends a bit envious of Joyce and Tom’s retirement.  In a cool breeze in a courtyard in 1592 St. Augustine I listen.  I looked around and was there in 1592.

Columbia SC

Summer 2011

Sometimes you get way to much information, strangers feel they can tell strangers anything after all when you part company you are more than likely gone forever.

“I just had the best sex in my life!”

The couple had barely walked into the bar, the woman an attractive 50 something excused herself as her boyfriend, husband, lover, whomever he was took seats next to mine at the bar. She had just left for the bathroom when the male made that pronouncement.

Columbia South Carolina is the state’s capitol along with the home of the University of South Carolina Game Cocks.  I am sure that in 1880 a Game Cock held a higher status in society than it does today.  “Go Cocks.”   Didn’t have the double entendre that it evokes.  Coeds walking around campus with gym shorts with the word COCKS in big bold letters emblazoned on them wasn’t in the cards when someone came up with the idea of having a game cock as the schools mascot.  Whoever he was I salute him for giving every Southeast Conference fan the cheer “Beat the Cocks.”    Which you can scream at the top of your lungs in the presence of tens of thousands of people and no one gets offended.  Not even the most proper of sorority sisters who on occasion might even utter the phrase.   Thank you Mr. Game Cock.

Cocks became the theme of the night and it amazed me what you could learn about a couple in the time it takes a woman to go to the restroom.

“What?”

“I just had the best sex of my life, man.  I mean the pinnacle, the greatest, Diane is hot.”

“Who?”

“Diane, that woman.”  Richard said (I would find out his name later in the conversation) as he pointed to the woman on her way to the bathroom.

Diane was sexy in a mature way, her body slim and fit.  Well proportioned, you could tell she took care of herself.  She had short, cropped brunette hair and was wearing a summer dress with no VPL (visible panty line). The dress showed off her figure, she looked like a runner with well defined legs made a little bit tout in her heels.  Richard was tall and lean, a little balding, ok I guess for a middle aged man.  They looked normal.

Diane turned around probably hearing her name and smiled at the two of us and gave a quick wink and a wave.  I don’t think she knew what Richard and I were discussing, or maybe she did.  Who knows she might have had the best sex of her life. Richard continued.  “We were in the parking lot when she grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the car, we climbed in the back seat….”

At this point my ADD (attention defiscit disorder) luckily kicked in and to my good fortune my mind wandered.  Listening, but not really.  The bits and pieces I did hear were that apparently Richard had a fantasy moment and had to tell someone about his exploits and I was the chosen one.  I caught words like, sweat, kisses, head rests, floor boards, precious body fluids, lips, tongues, flailing limbs, hand prints on steamy windows, the Titanic movie scene, on and on.  Richard wasn’t really talking to me but just had to talk.

As my mind wandered again not really listening to Richard I remembered a joke about the 90 year old man in confession.

Old man-Father I am 90 year old men and just had sex with beautiful twins!

Priest- You know as a Catholic pre-marital sex is a mortal sin.

Old man-Father I am Jewish not Catholic.

Priest-Then why are you telling me this?

Old man- I am 90 years old and just had sex with twins. I‘m TELLING EVERYONE!

I smiled when I thought of the punch line which I am sure Richard took as a sign of approval.

I gave Richard one of my “Wows” a word I used to let others know that I am listening when I am not.

The bartender came up and Richard stopped his story long enough to order two very lite beers and bought me one, which got my attention.

“Wow is right.” He went on as the bartender filled our order.   We are in our 50’s and I thought sex couldn’t get better, that it was dead, but that woman has taken me to places I never thought I could go.  When you have the right partner then the whole world is open.  I feel like a teenager again.”  Richard sighed as he said this and looked up, almost as if he was giving thanks to a higher power.

I thought, feels like a teenager again?  I wasn’t in my teens when I first had sex, a late bloomer, so I missed out on savage teenage lust and settled for 20 something. Richard went on and I listened a little bit more intently now that he had bought me a beer.  Apparently he and Diane were on a mini vacation.  Never could figure out their status, husband/wife, lovers in a torrid affair, boyfriend/girlfriend but that didn’t matter as it was apparent Diane and Richard just went at it like two caged animals in heat and Richard had to tell someone and  unfortunatly he didn’t care how personal it got.

I did find out that Diane was neatly cropped and was very athletic and nimble.  I didn’t ask what kind of car they were in but they were both tall and I am sure the nimble part came in handy.  Then again my ADD kicked in as Richard was slowing down and relaxing, taking in the whole evening as we saw Diane come back from the bathroom.

She sat down next to Richard, grabbing his arm and giving him a hug and big smile.  Richard kissed her on the cheek.

“Diane this is, I don’t know your name.”

“Pete, nice to meet you Diane.”  I answered and looked at her trying to figure out what she would look like naked.  Not bad.

“Nice to meet you too Pete.”  She reached out and we shook hands.

“I am Richard.”  As he reached out and shook my hand.

Out of instinct I took his hand and we shook, upon which some of the more detailed pieces of his story came rushing back to me.

After we shook hands I isolated my hand not wanting to touch anything.  I waited for a bit and then said.

“Hey you only rent this stuff, excuse me as I go to the restroom.”  Holding my hand out in front of me I made a beeline to the washroom not touching anything along the way.

“Go Cocks.”  I thought as I departed.

Jacksonville/St. Augustine FLA.  Summer 2011

Do you ever wake up and think WTF, questioning what am I doing? Why don’t I just quit my job, sell everything, buy a beer and bait shack in Florida make my $30k a year and live happily ever after.  Mañana!

Jacksonville/St. Augustine Fla.

I had a choice, walk the half a mile in the 98 degree heat and humidity or try to find a parking spot in the middle of downtown Jacksonville during the peak of morning rush and walk a mile in the heat and humidity.

I walked the half a mile.

I like to walk, you see more of the city on a walk vs. a parking garage.  You experience the little out of the way spots that are hidden from traffic, the garden in the middle of a bustling downtown, the unknown statue to some hero long forgotten except by the pigeons.  In Jacksonville, this stroll had the side benefit of walking along the docks on the St. James River, which runs through downtown Jacksonville.  A nice stroll if I was wearing shorts and flip-flops, not so, with a suit and tie on.

Just the previous night I had dinner at a dockside restaurant on this very path and watched as a lone man sat on his sailboat watching the nightlife all around him.   An island of peace in the middle of a hectic nightlife in the city.  I thought wow, wouldn’t that be the life, no cares, pick up anchor and leave for your next destination. The peace and serenity vs. the pressure cooker of modern civilization.

Modern civilization took control over my fantasy, the next morning, now on my walk to the corporate suites of a Fortune 100 company, I saw the same man on the boat wearing what he wore the night before and probably the night before that.  I nodded and he nodded back and I continue my walk, now covered in a thin patina of sweat and fatigue I came very close to throwing my computer bag into the river and saying screw this.

The pressure cooker hadn’t vented quite yet.  There is the mortgage, the kid’s health care, I don’t know how to sail and since our country is in debt up to its Washington neck ties, I figure I should do my part. I do have a job in this time of recession so I guess I am one of the lucky ones.  So I persisted in my endeavors for the day another meeting probably leading to several others which might lead to something, who knew.

I kept walking and remembered one tidbit from the dinner last night that the bar did $49,606 worth of business in one day during the Georgia,Florida football game in November.  This game is better known as the world’s largest outdoor cocktail party.  Boat guy probably had a front row seat to all the action and who knows a couple of coeds might have wandered on board.  I thought almost 50 grand in a day, and then I found my computer bag was in mid-air at that time, almost heading towards the St Johns River, when I realized that I had my personal computer in there also.  I relented and it swung back to my side, safely, ready for another day.

The meeting, the reason I was there, went uneventful, a waste of time, same issues that they will always have but are unwilling to do more than meet and discuss and do nothing, corporate America.  My day was done.

I made it to St. Augustine’s old city later that day and meandered around for a bit, sans computers, didn’t know how many more G forces they could take.  I wound up in a tavern heralded as the oldest tavern in America.  The tavern no bigger than a modern kitchen with a barmaid and some draught beers, a consolation to modern times.   Soon conversation broke out amongst the patrons, when I ordered a light beer and water.  The bar maid put two glasses in front of me a beer and a water and told me.

“The water is the one with the ice in it.”

“Funny” I said and the night began.

A family from eastern Pennsylvania was there, a solitary man who didn’t say much and a couple, Jenna and Chris sat and chatted with us.

I asked innocently enough.

“Where are you guys from?”

Chris replied, “Hard to say, we travel a lot, don’t settle in one location much.”

“R V ers huh?”

“Kinda of, we live on a sailboat, the water version of a land yacht.”

“No way, I saw a guy in Jacksonville last night, on a sailboat he obviously lived on.  I thought what a life.  How do you do it? I mean what does it take?”

“It helps if you love the water and know how to sail.  I have been living on the boat for 20 years, Jenna for about 10 years.”

“Where do you store your lawnmower?”

“At my brother’s house.”

As we talked I became aware of what we take for granted everyday, water, 911, fast food, 24 hour convenience are not available in the middle of the ocean.  There is some planning involved if you live on a boat, weather, emergencies, water all are daily priorities that need to be planned out in advance.  Except for weather it is best to know what that will be like before the storm hits.  That, red skies at night sailors delight, red skies at morn sailors take warn, stuff.

“Mail, do you receive mail?”

“We have a service that scans in our mail; we go on line and can choose open or toss.  The ones they open we can see on line later.”

“Can you get on line most anywhere?”

“No problem, libraries have WiFi, we can pick up a satellite signal most of the time, most bars and resort ports in the Caribbean haves wireless.  Usually not a problem.”

“Food, how do you keep it fresh?”

“No milk that goes bad to fast, we have a small freezer for some meats, mainly rice, eggs, flour, sugar.  The Oregon Trail stuff.”

Oregon Trail was the passage way from the East usually starting in St. Louis westward.  The settlers would pack for a three-month journey through very unforgiving terrain.  Just look up the Donner Party and what they were serving for dinner in the winter of 1867.

“Electricity do you have a generator.”

“No you want to keep gas and explosives away from a sail boat, we use solar and wind they generate enough electricity to keep a freezer going and a microwave.”

“So you’re pretty self efficient, what is the main worry of  boaters?”

“Weather and water, too little or too much of either is not good.”

“I guess fresh water would be an issue.  Weird living on the water and water can become your number one nemesis.  The irony!”

“Fresh water is used only for drinking and cooking.  You wash up using sea water, we have a tank for our bathroom for waste.  You don’t use fresh water unless you’re thirsty.  When it rains you get a nice fresh water shower.”

“How did you two meet?”

“At a boat show, right!”  Jenna said and added.

“I wanted to live on a boat and John and I meet talked and a year later we are cruising the inter coastal on our way to Savannah.”

“What kinda of boat do you have?”

“42 foot sail boat.”

“Do you ever get claustrophobic?”

“No, when your on the ocean you’re a spec in the sea. Wide openness, no land to set your bearings. Space is all around you plus the cabin is big enough for two so never been claustrophobic.”

“What about money, I know nothing is free, they do charge you for slips, right?”

“They do it varies it could be a couple hundred a month in some spots.  Our checks are electronically deposited and we can access the account from any ATM machine.  We just need money for incidentals, like food, water, slip fees and the occasional fine from the shore Nazis.”

“Shore Nazis?”

“Local cops that bust people for docking without permits, could be $300 fine.  We came ashore just before a storm in Georgia and the next day a cop was there fine in hand, was ready to confiscate the boat if we didn’t pay right then.  A money grab,Georgia rednecks.”

“How are most people you meet, I imagine there are some salty characters out there?”

“People are people for the most part they’re all friendly and nice.  Want to know about our life style.  The jerks are far and few.”

“I take it you’re not big fans ofAmerica’s Got Talent or Dancing with the Stars?”

“Ha, no TV, just books and the real stars.”  Jenna said.

Chris added.  “Yea everything is mañana, however sometimes mañana leads into weeks months, years.  Sometimes you do have to do some things now.  But that mañana attitude fills your days.

Mañana, I feel that way but I guess in the opposite way, I will quit my job, sell everything, move to the coast, live in a smaller house, enjoy life.  Mañana.

“Penguin poop can spread out over five feet.’

The airport bar can be a great escape for a weary traveler, after three delays, one re-scheduled flight and four hours to kill till your next re-scheduled flight takes off, it is an intoxicating refuge of drink and knowledge.

“Well, I am going to be late. My day has gone to hell in a hand basket, and penguins can shit up to five feet.”

“That is funny, if I remember correctly penguins are flightless birds, so the only thing on a penguin that flies is its poop.”

I smiled back at Terry, my fellow weary traveler and companion at the airport bar.  She too was  scheduled to leave on the earlier flight to Atlanta, so was in the same boat as me.  Cancellations, delays, rescheduled and drinking.

Terry was a veterinary technician at one of the nation’s largest aquarium amusement parks in Florida.  Her specialty: penguins and their habitat.

“Their diet is mainly fish, squid and krill.  We have to feed it to them alive or else they won’t eat it.   We do add some vitamins for good measure.”  Terry said as we sipped our drinks.

“You are right they are birds so they digest their food rapidly, very rapidly and it comes out the same way.”

“Really.”

“Really, one of my jobs is to clean up after them.  We have to take high pressure water hoses and spray down their habitat twice a day.”

“I guess you would be flushing the habitat.”  I smirked

“Then once a week we send in a diver to clean the tank, scrub down the glass and remove all the bacteria.  Penguins do really well in captivity, but we have to watch out for  viral infections, it could wipe out a whole colony almost overnight,” Terry added.

“Really, what does he use to clean off the glass in the tank?”

“A brush.”

I looked stunned and Terry replied.

“A brush!”

Then I added “Wow you think with all the high tech filtration and cooling systems you employ to keep the habitat going, you could come up with something better than a brush.”

“Nope, just a brush,” Terry said as she sipped the last of her beer, sat her glass down and motioned for another.

“OK let me get this straight, the diver suits up, to go into near freezing water armed only with a brush against a colony of penguins and bacteria.  Courage has no limits.  Do the penguins ever try to eat him or do they think he is a shark or walrus?”

“No. The penguins were all raised in captivity so they are pretty used to humans.  Even in the wild, humans don’t bother them.   Most of their predators live in the water so when they are on land, they feel very secure. The diver is just one of the colony, except he has a brush.“

“What about polar bears?  They eat penguins.”

“They would be a threat if they ever made the 10,000 mile trek from the Arctic Circle to the Antarctic.  But so far they haven’t.”

Pole to Pole is 12,416 miles.

I am sure I looked a little surprise at this. Still thinking,don’t polar bears eat penguins?

Terry could see my look of disbelief and went on: “Penguins are native to the Southern Hemisphere, most live near Antarctica; polar bears live in the Arctic so they are not a threat. Now if you were a seal, then we would be talking.   Penguins have few natural predators on land, mostly birds that steal their chicks.  Even scientists and tourists can walk up to a penguin colony in the wild and not disturb them.  It’s in the ocean that the greatest threats are as well as their food source.  Walruses and killer whales are their primary predator. We humans are just a side show and food givers to them in captivity.  We are probably as much a curiosity to them as they are to us.”

“They dress nicer, you know. The dinner tux and all.”

“Hey, first time I’ve heard that one. Good thing I don’t work in a tourist park or anything.”  Terry laughed, oh so non-convincingly, and then continued:“White in the front is so that any predators in the water looking up would have a hard time discerning a penguin from light and the black back is for any predator looking down in the water, the penguin would blend in, very difficult to see.  It is more  to keep them from being dinner.”

“Penguin 101. What else do you do besides clean up penguin poop?”

“We keep busy, preparing meals, checking on individuals, caring for the young.  We have to make sure that no infection hits the colony.  If one bird gets sick, it can spread very easily.  We have to euthanize a bird if it gets sick.  Sad because penguins mate for life.”

“What’s the smell like?”

“Take over a hundred penguins, who don’t excuse themselves from the dinner table, go to the toilet three or four times a day….”

I interrupted, “Smells like the kid’s nursery on a diarrhea ward?”

“No, since we keep it clean both for the customer and the penguins, it doesn’t get that bad.  Now in the wild it is a different story, especially walruses or sea lions.  You could have thousands living on a beach.  They don’t move that well on land and from what I have heard from scientists coming back from the field is you smell them first and then you hear them.”

“Not the high def, Nat Geo scene, of a thousand neat and orderly walruses, huh?”

“You are looking at five minute tape of a three week trek, lots of editing and be glad you don’t have smell vision on the TV.”

“Cheers to that!” I said, and adding.  “What do you think of the penguins at the park?  Do you feel sorry for them being tourist attractions?”

“They are my buddies, very friendly.  All of them have been born and raised in captivity, so they know no other life.  They wouldn’t survive in the wild.  We feed them, care for them. It’s their habitat, their world.”

We chatted for a few hundred more beers as the day wore on, penguins, working in a theme park, tourists, all the fun stuff. Then finally we were each able to grab our flights out.  I left a little bit buzzed and glad to know all about penguins and their habits.  Which got me thinking, after all the beer I have had, how long would it be before the captain turned off the fasten seat belt sign?  I don’t think they carry high pressure water hoses on the plane.

 

Summer Fall, 1995

Newnan, Ga., a town where Atlanta’s tentacles barely reach, enjoys enough southern charm to keep it quaint and, at one time, enough industry to keep it prosperous. That was the time when we as American’s actually manufactured stuff. Newnan was a mini carpet capital of the United States with several mills producing specialty carpets that were sold throughout the world. One mill in particular burnt down all the way to the concrete slab that had been the production floor. The entire plant was gone. Not that a plant that burns to the ground is unusual. Many do for insurance reasons. This one was unusual because the owner said: “We will be back in full production in six months.”

At break neck speed it takes about eighteen months to build a plant, six months is impossible.

Not Really.

THE CFO

Drunk again, on a sober Tuesday night. All the good people are home, comforted by their loved ones, surrounded by a peace and the self-created harmony of life and loves. I sit at a Ramada Inn bar with the VP of operations for a Fortune 100 company, each of us downing our fifth shot of tequila. In the unpleasant time of the morning between sleep and rolling out of bed, it is just the three of us: the bartender, Roger and me. However, at this point, as I recall, there seemed to be six of us fading in and out.

“Pete, you know when the plant burnt down and Old Man  came to me and said we’re going to rebuild in six months. I agreed. Ha. I thought the old asshole was kidding,” Roger told me as he swirled his beer in front of him, his empty shot glass sitting with his unused lemon wedge smiling at me.

“Roger, man, can I have your lemon thingy, lemon wedgie thingy?”

“Sure” he said. I grabbed the lemon wedge, put sugar on it and clamped it between my teeth and bit. Bitterness quickly followed by sweet. I immediately shut my eyes and then opened them as the two forces worked against each other to bring me back to some form of coherence. I sat up straight in my chair and shook my head as I looked back at Roger and he continued talking.

“Six months later we had a plant that was in full production. Man, I can’t believe it,” he said as he lifted his beer from the bar. “From a burnt slab we constructed.”

“Roger,” I interrupted. Not only did I interrupt, but I called the CFO of a Fortune 100 company Roger. All of Wall Street would love to have been there just to lick the salt off his used shot glass. I, on the other hand, took his lemon slice.

“What did this little construction job cost?” I blathered. “I am sure that keeping thousands of workers on the clock 24-7 for six months ran into some cost over runs.”

“Pete, I could have built this plant for about a 200 percent savings from what we spent. BUT SO WHAT? Look at what capitals costs me now vs. the next year or so. Weigh that against output of the plant during that period.” Roger tried to continue until I interrupted again

“Roger,” I said almost in a shout. “Try to imagine how little I care! Man, we did it OPER- RAY-TIONAL in six months. True. It hadn’t been done since World War II.”

True. It hadn’t been, this concentration of all the trades — manufacturing engineers, fabricators, riggers, electricians, machine operators — all working at once on thousands of separate projects to come together to make a carpet square from a burnt slab six months ago.

“Pete, if you would let me finish, that is what I am trying to say. I’m not used to being interrupted by the average street walker vendor,” he said smiling and taking his last sip of beer.

I immediately took umbrage both to what he said and the fact that we were both out of beer. A quick raise of my empty glass, a two finger wave and Sherry was coming at us with two more full beers and shots. Damn, last thing I need is another shot.

“Hey Roger, I am NOT your average street walking vendor,” I said as we raised our tequila in toast. “Carpet Squares!” I said as we downed the shots and then slammed the glass tumblers on the bar. Then in a tequila-induced voice I continued, “I prefer to think of myself as a high price call girl getting paid for exceptional service.”

Bravado from someone who got the order. It had been paid for and what’s the worst he could do to me, make me hang out with him in a Ramada Inn Bar in Newnan, Ga., drinking tequila.

“Pete, money isn’t everything, I control billions in assets, seven figure checks pass through my hands daily, 10,000 peoples’ lives, hopes, dreams, college for the kids, dream vacations all ride on the success of the company. That is what matters. Lives, dreams, hopes, one carpet at a time.”

I looked at Roger differently now, more humanely. A man, not a position. Plus he had just split into two people, so I looking at him much differently. The tequila did not fog the facts. His worries and his struggles are what we all face, but he faced on a much grander scale. His employees worry about their next paycheck. He worries about all of their next paychecks.

“Just look at the comradely build, the sense of mission. A goal was set six months ago. only the old man believed it could be done. And goddamn it; it was. In two days, the Governor, a Senator, every local official and a high school band will be here to commemorate the re-opening of this plant. A carpet tile plant.” Roger paused, then repeated: “A CARPET TILE PLANT. Thousands of workers and I am not talking about you, Pete. Didn’t see much work out of you. We’ll gather to celebrate an American Tradition: we can do anything.”

Roger knew that I had performed miracles for him, so I took his jab as a well earned compliment. Plus he was picking up the bar tab.

“Pete, I know multi-millionaires whose kids won’t even speak to them, wives who have taken them for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Their quest is for more gold; they have lost their souls. They are barren, but for their riches. Sweat is what they make others do, and they are missing out. Feelings of pride, of accomplishment. Other than the pursuit of gold, they have no idea what we are feeling by taking the impossible and making it possible. Money is not worth the paper it’s printed on if that is your only goal. Going home to my wife and kids and telling them about this, that we did it.” Roger said almost in a whisper, mainly to himself and family, which, I guess, now included me.

“Roger,” I said raising my beer glass. “Thanks for letting me be a part of all this.” With a clink we toasted an impossible job well done. “Hey man those seven figure checks you were talking about. Do you, like, do you ever, lose any and if so…” The conversation carried on, some of it making sense after that point but most of it not. What little I did remember has stayed with me along with my dislike for tequila.

We as Americans forget to soon what we are capable of as a nation. Freedom reigns in areas that have only known tyranny, people voice opinions against us in lands that have never been free and we celebrate it with the simple phrase, “They have the right to free speech.” Diseases conquered, innovations in science, health, industry first discovered here. We tend to be our worst critics and own worst enemy. We look at tasks completed and say how could we have done them better and we go about figuring it out. We are a nation of individuals whose diversity makes U.S.

Summer 1988

Corbin KY

Before the fifteen lane modern highways of today, a lone stretch of 2 lane asphalt made up Interstate Highway 60. This lonesome road was a main thoroughfare for the nation in the 20s and 30s, stretching from New York to Florida, passing through many a burg, ville, ton as it took travelers north or south. One such town was Corbin, Ky. known for its well maintained travelers rest, a post card perfect picture of a small lodge with its southern meat and three café attached. Many traveler stop and dined on the 11 herbs and spices the owner used on his fried chicken.

As interstates became true interstates highway 60 took its place amongst American lore and just faded away to become what it originally was a leisurely scenic drive to nowhere but tranquility. The proprietor of the picturesque lodge and café took his chicken recipe on the road where it became popular treat during the 60s. Travelers could stop and grab a bucket of chicken, at a pre fab, shiny new mass produced establishment whose food nor ambience was anything like the place in Corbin but this is progress.

Corbin is the home to Colonel Sanders who when he retired took his secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices and created culinary history, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Corbin also hosts McGee’s Irish Pub. McGee’s is where I met Daryl, a convicted larcenist, who spent five years screwing people over by stealing from them, seven years in and out of the Kentucky State Penitentiary to serve his time and now twenty years making amends.

The Ex Con

“You look at the floor, a lot, it’s cracks, dirt, stains all become very familiar to you. Not too much to look up or forward to. Hell you’re in prison,” Daryl said as we sat and talked about his life in rural Kentucky. Back in the hollers of East Kentucky growing up as many there do, fatherless, directionless, hopelessness, “white trash”. The outcome, that may be too familiar, to too many in the area,  the military or prison or both.

The conversation started out from the git go about Daryl’s life experience, unusual ice breaker I thought, prison. He had the markings of his trial, the faded prison tattoos, on his arms. Tattoos done with an ink pen and needle the dull edges to remind all of where he had gotten them.

Rough hewn, weary beyond his age but quick with a laugh, sometimes to quick, like a crutch to make up for his lack of what he thought he was lacking. Curious I had to ask.

“What did you do?” Figuring if he is a mass murderer I would get my bill and split.

“Killed a couple of guys at a bar who asked too many questions,” he replied smiling and then breaking into a howling laugh, this laugh real as he enjoy a bit of levity.

“Not really, buddy. Hey man, what’s your name?”

“Pete”

“Glad to meet you. Gracie, buy my friend a beer.” No sooner did the words come out of Daryl’s mouth than a beer was sitting in front of me. Gracie then sorted through the bills and change that was sitting in front of Daryl’s beer. Gracie had seen the business end of the bar for a lonnnnng time, neither smiling or frowning she was just there. The bar was an after thought to the attached restaurant. The space itself was long and rectangular with the bar situated at one end and rows of booths with high backs tucked in along the walls. The high back seats gave an air of privacy but added to the crowded feel. The traditional neon beer signs made up the décor, with a few posters announcing local events, charities for the volunteer fire department, basic, local, plain. Unlike the characters that made up the customers that night.

I stared at the beer sitting in front of me, I was ready to leave but now I am in a dilemma, the old proverb says never turn down a free drink, so I stayed and listened.

“Naw, didn’t kill a soul. Bad checks, forgery, stole a car, almost destroyed a family. Feel bad about that. Wish I could do right by them, but don’t really even know who the fuck they are, just heard they had some tough times because of what I did. Shit, I had some tough times because of what I did. Doesn’t make it right. I hurt people.” Daryl said this mostly into his beer. It was a well rehearsed confession that I am sure he has said many times, but one I think he truly felt. He had hurt people and wasn’t happy about it.

“Prison is a strange place for sights and sounds. Sound is just metal hitting metal, and the hum of a thousand men’s thoughts all the time. The lights stay on 24 hours, just you and fucking concrete, walls, ceiling, floors. Shit, I went into the concrete business after I got out, figure I studied the shit for seven years, thought I was an expert.”

“Seven years for petty thefts seems like a long time,” I said

“Shiiit, not long enough, was sentenced to 25, good behavior and druggies made it go by a lot faster. Yea, we like to throw people who like to party in jail a lot. Over crowded they said, good behavior, so they shoved me out. Hey, I ain’t bitchin’ done a little weed, none of that hard shit, man that stuff will fuck you up. I did the crime, and I did the time. No whining from me, brother. I fucked up, needed to go to the joint.”

“What was it like when you got out, freedom?” I can’t imagine what it would feel like when you walk out of prison.

“Gracie, get my friend here another beer. Man, no one has ever asked me that before. You some sort of a fucking professor?” Daryl asked in a total sarcastic tone. Then he became solemn and retrospective.

“You breathe  for the first time, you breathe in the fresh air of the outdoors the openness of it all. I just stood there outside the gate and looked around, I heard something, a song and I didn’t recognize it at first, a bird was signing, a bird. I had forgotten what a beautiful sound that was.” Daryl sat there staring straight ahead, going back to that time, that moment. He stared out not at anyone or anywhere but to freedom, he slowly bounced a quarter on the bar keeping time with his thoughts. “That’s how it feels”. He said almost in a whisper

Then he continued, in a voice of resolution and confession. “Pete, I spent five years hurting people, stealing from them, lying, cheating. Seven years in the pen paying for it, and now 20 years trying to make it right. My daughter hated me, rightfully so. I didn’t do right by her then. The old lady married a good man, honest hard worker. He did good-by my kid. Twenty years later she’s grown, has me a grand baby. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do was let my kid hate me and keep trying to show her I was a good man. Twenty years and there is still the shit. Hey, man not crying. This ain’t no Oprah show. Hell, I did the crime.”

“Twenty years ago.” I said, I hadn’t realize just how long he had tormented himself with this. The years of regaining his self respect let alone the respect of others. Twenty years of self examination, trying to undo wrongs.

“Man that was a long time ago, still bothers you, must of grabbed your heart.” I added

“It did, never thought of myself as a bad person. Just thought I deserve better, didn’t need to work for it, just take it. You take till that can’t take no mo. Then it is their turn. Yea twenty something thought the world owed me for what it did. Found out the hard way it don’t owe me a damn thing.” Daryl said in resolve that this is just the way things are, right or wrong, it is just the way things are.

“What brings you to Colonel Chicken land?” Daryl then asked changing the subject.

Looking around at a bar full of men, a couple of guys playing pool, a group of young men dressed in dirty jeans, construction boots drinking their paychecks, Daryl and I.

“The woman.”

He smiled “Right.” I could see the sadness that will always be there, sadness for what was done and what wasn’t. Twenty years of proving that he knew he was wrong and was ready to face whatever. I wonder why we need to punish so, what was it about taking retribution on people who have wronged us. When does the punishment become enough and forgiveness take over? Do the two ever meet or will they always be singular not able to co-exist. Wronged we want validation that we were hurt but once validated shouldn’t we move on till maybe proven wrong. Does it take twenty years to prove you are right? It seems it does. Daryl someday may take his grand baby to a ball game, or dance recital. The child will look up smile and grand pa will be forgiven.

“Gracie, get my friend here a beer,” I said.

Nashville 2011

Sometimes you just find yourself sitting in a bar next to a guy with chlorine bleach green spiked hair, a space suit collared  blue Lemay top, back fully exposed, trimming down to a Speedo bottom with white stockings and heels.  His lady friend was a bit classier with a French Maid’s outfit, tiara and cowboy boots, after all we were in Nashville and the cowboy boots were appropriate.

Lady Gaga was in town for a concert and my first guess was that they were either with the show or the show.    The concert wasn’t starting for a couple of  hours, and   I was waiting on my friends to get ready, so I did what I usually do, head to the hotel bar.  This couple was hanging out till their ride came and prepping for who knew what.

Curious, so I asked.

“Grand Ole Opry?”

“Yea, it is Country Queen Night, how do I look?”  The green haired man smiled.

The maid chimed in, “Do you think the outfit is a little too much for the Opry?”

“Have you seen Porter Wagner?”  I said then added “Lady Gaga is in town ever thought about going to see her.”

“Who?”  The female asked with a quirky look on her face.

My night began.
Lady Gaga.

Madonna thought Lady Gaga was a publicity whore, which gave me pause.  Madonna do you hear your self?  That is all I really knew about Lady Gaga, that and the fact she was English.   So when four other people turned my friend down to go the Lady Gaga concert and out of sheer desperation asked if I wanted to buy the ticket, I gladly said “not interested.”

That didn’t work, with hand thrusted out towards me holding the ticket, the other waving five fingers at me as in “hand over the cash, buddy.”   A deal had been struck, now making me the proud owner of a Lady Gaga ticket whether I wanted to shell out the $200 or not, make the 400 mile round trip to Nashville to see someone Madonna thought was a whore.  WTF I thought, I saw KISS back in 1974 how much weirder can this be, heck what was that ten maybe fifteen years ago, times haven’t changed that much.

Since I knew little, honestly I knew nothing about Lady Gaga except she has a bitch’n body, and was English, so I decided to do my home work.  Straight to the Internet and Google “Lady Gaga Nude.”  Too many to sort through so I tried “Lady Gaga up-skirt.” Twice as many hits so I relented, “Lady Gaga Monster Ball Tour”.   There I hit the jack pot, news and details about what I was in for.

O K Kiss was almost 40 years ago and times have changed a lot.

What I found were a couple of her music videos, Born this Way and Poker Face Bam Bam or something like that.  Watching these videos re-confirmed my early assumption she does have a bitch n body.  I also realized that I was going to be way out of my element.  It is one thing to see a bunch of guys from New York City dressed as Kabuki characters, spitting blood and setting the stage on fire in a small Dayton Ohio theatre in 1974 to this babe running around in a sting bikini with 20 practically nude male dancers in an auditorium in downtown Nashville.

Nashville TN, the bible printing capital of the world.

We gather our troop together and set off for the auditorium. Arriving the obligatory right wing religious fanatics where there to greet us. Two women spouting the virtues of a holy life, preaching the bible and calling all of us a whore.  A whore that was going to hell to be exact.

I just shrugged them off and responded. “Like I haven’t heard that one before, talk to my ex girlfriends.”  I screamed back at them.  Yea right, I thought, get in the long line for that one sister.

The que to get in wasn’t too bad walked right in with little wait. Once inside the real show started.   Being a straight white male I found myself in the minority.  I was in a sea of very welled dressed men in very tight jeans, or leathers or dresses depending on their mood.   The crew I was running with that night had a couple of extremely attractive woman and tonight they were in true gaga form in a form fitting dress low cut in several places.  Usually all eyes are on them but NOT tonight.  HA! I could see that I was being sized up and down by several admires.  I had that Broke Back Mountain look going on, jeans, boots, Christopher Walken T-shirt, under my cowboy range shirt, the standard fare.

Making it into the concession area of the auditorium I immediately go to the cocktail line, while my friends searched for the ladies room to put the final touches on their gaga outfit.  There, at the cocktail line, next to me, stood a six foot, six inch woman with flowing blond hair in a dominatrix outfit.  I could see that she was really a woman, no man was that good in burying the treasure and with very little effort I could tell her breasts were natural, just from observing about 98% of them.  She looked at me as she pucker her lips.

“Your not going to hurt me are you?” I asked, which considering everything I thought was a legitimate question.

“Oh sooooooo good.”  She said as she slapped her thigh with her horse whip and then move up in line to get her, whatever dominatrix drinks at a Lady Gaga Concert.  Whipped Harvey Wallbangers, maybe.

I got a rather large beer which came with an even larger price tag, so I didn’t have to worry about a hangover the next day.  My companions were still off looking for the ladies room which could have been any room with this crowd and I settled back on one of the long legged tables, meant to lean on and drink your beer as you people surfed the crowd.  Lots of Queens, some couples most gay and straight people dressed for a night out.  Friendly, fun, full of life, the flashy extremes of society.

So when a couple asked to share my table both dressed in a Tux looking like skeletons from a high end voodoo cult I was not neither shocked nor taken aback.

During my journeys I have learned not to judge and not be judged, perception is deception, as I was in fact the weird one in this crowd.

“Sure, let me clear a spot, are you guys Jamaican?”

“Huh?”

“The outfit’s, looks voodoo, you do, who?”  I crack myself up.

I also realized this wouldn’t be the first time I had a cocktail or two with a Zombie.  I need to mend my ways.  Maybe the two religious fanatics out front were right.

They both look at me, with that strange; “you’re not from here am you”, look.   So I readily admitted to them I was clueless that I was helping a friend’s pocket book out and knew little about Lady Gaga except she had a bitch n body and was English.

“This look is from her born this way video, a radio station is having a contest for the best dressed, $500 grand prize that is what the line over there is.”  The male zombie pointed to what I thought was the line for the men’s or woman’s bathroom really wasn’t sure which.

“Cool”.  Then I added
“Looks like you all have put some effort into the look, how long did it take?”

The lady Zombie answered, “Half a day, a friend of mine is an artist and did our look.”
The male answered “At least we didn’t go as far as Rick the Zombie in the video, his head is tattooed for that look.”

Now I was shocked, “He did WHAT?”

“Yea Zombie boy in the video head is tat to look like a zombie.” Lady Zombie said.

“Why would you tattoo your head to look like a zombie?”  Then I thought do I really want to know.

Then I smiled, I thought this guy will be a big hit at the old farts home, just march him through the front door and everyone will think the Grim Reaper is visiting.  That would get some laughs!

Changing the subject immediately, “Hey, didn’t she just finish a concert tour, just a couple of months ago.”

“She did”. Ms Zombie answered. “Then she started this Monster Ball Tour, selling out at every venue, she has a hit out, Born This Way. The Zombie one.  And she wants to be with all her little monsters.”

“All I remember from that video is that it starts with her giving birth to something.”

“The mother of all good, but evil is apart of it.”  The female added

“She does a whole number to that in the show.”  The male said

“So I take it this isn’t your first Lady Gaga concert?”

“Fourth.”  The female answered.

For some reason I had to ask, “She is English right?”

“No she is from New York City.”

I paused, New York City, wonder if she knew KISS, wow I thought, New York City and then we cheered, “Lady Gaga”, me my zombie couple.

“What is it about her that attracts such a diverse crowd?”

“No judgment, she embraces the fringes, gays, trans, people who are orientated just a bit different.”

Just then the six-foot dominatrix walked by, slapped her thigh again and winked at me.

“I get your meaning.”

“Plus she just adores her fans; she walks the walk and talks the talk.” The male zombie added.

“She even has a tattoo on the inside of her left arm from the German Poet Rilke, about rather dying than not being able to write, this is her being who she is and we just love it.”

We finished our beers talked a bit more about Lady Gaga and heard the crowd cheer, something was happening out in the arena.  I paid for the ticket I might as well see everything.  The Zombies and I parted ways them to take their place in line for the radio station, me I made my way to our seats.  Arriving I was the only one there, guess everyone was still scoping out the bathrooms and the crowd so I had plenty of room to stretch out and relax,  just as the warm up band got on stage.

The lead singer pranced about, she was wearing a Davie Bowie style gray suit coat, large shoulders and with a length that barely cover her butt, stockings and heels.  Kinda tall for a woman but sexy all the same.

As the beers effects wore on and my vision became clearer, I slowly realize that the lead singer had metamorphose from a sexy chic to a guy wearing a David Bowie grey suit coat, length that barely covered his butt with stockings and heels.  During this revelation  he screamed to the total delite of the crowd, “Lady Gaga Bitches.”